I am Not a Number

I am not a Number Campaign

This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week. To help bring awareness to eating disorders, Curves Are Beautiful has created the "I am not a Number" campaign. 

Numbers are often triggering to people who have an ed, so we created this campaign to help bring awareness and remind ourselves that we are not a number! To participate in this campaign, post a video on Facebook of you doing one of the following things and make a donation to F.E.A.S.T.

Ways to participate in the "I am not a # campaign":
- Smash a scale
- Write "I am not a #" on a post it note and post it on a mirror or somewhere as a reminder
- Sharpie the size on your jeans out
- Cut up a measuring tape
- Write numbers on a piece of paper, crumble it up, and throw it away!

Please Donate to F.E.A.S.T. the non profit organization that helps families get the correct evidence based treatment! Click HERE to donate.

Videos

Here are some videos of some great friends destroying the thing that haunts so many people with eating disorders. It was very empowering! 

To see my video, go to Curves Are Beautiful's Facebook Page

Dear Warriors

Dear Warriors,

We are a purple bracelet fighting army. We are warriors. We are all in the battle fighting eds. We have all been in the same battle ground trenches fighting for our own lives or our loved ones lives. We have all felt the same despair and discouragement as we feel like the enemy might just win.

But I'm here to tell you that in those trenches you can become strong and capable. I have been in that trench with fear and sweat and tears both rolling down my face. But then I had a rage of anger for the enemy who was trying to take my life, and I stood up. I stood in the trench that I thought I would forever be in and never escape. And as I stood I saw beyond enemy lines and knew that I was stronger. I knew that I could regain territory that was overtaken. I began to run. As I ran I began to get shot. Every nerve in my body felt like it had exploded. I felt more pain than I had ever imagined. I kept running. I kept running because I was gaining territory. I didn't always know where I was going. My eyes would clench tight because I couldn't bear to look at what was happening. But I kept running trying to have faith that I would end up as conqueror at some point and be able to reclaim my territory.

Every journey is different, but we all know what it's like to be in those trenches. I hope you gain strength to run. Face the enemy. Recovery is possible. We are warriors and support those who are fighting all over the battle field. Whether you are in the trenches or are making a run for it on the ever so terrifying road to recovery. Know that recovery is possible and life gets better.

-Beanie

Purplize

I felt as though I was on an African Safari, looking from a distance at the thing I had come to see, hoping of course that that thing would not be in season. Hoping that it was in hibernation permanently never to show itself again. Maybe the world had finally realized that like a prying hungry tiger, this was a dangerous object. Still I searched and as I searched I prayed that it had gone extinct. This is a dangerous object to be on the look out for. However, I went on the hunt to see it. To capture the picture of it in its natural dark element. I was on a mission to Purplize!

I was on my safari to go see something that once was so dangerous to me. So I kept my distance mentally like the jeep on a safari would keep it physically. I am strong now and am equipped with tools and kung fu skills that I would be ready to use at any time in the case of the size double zero jeans triggering my ed.

I approached the cave cautiously. It was dark and there was a scent of strong fragrance. I eased my way in. Watching for the predators that might catch me on my great mission to Purplize!

There was an eerie feeling to the place. The feeling that one would probably would receive on the middle of a safari. Their senses heighten and they sit on edge while they look for the wild vicious animals they are in search of. And so was I as I entered Abercrombie and Fitch. I was nervous. I felt that eerie feeling, although it was probably directly related to the suspicious Purplize Mission that I was on.

Amidst the dark atmosphere, they were spotted! There in their wild natural environment they laid. Folded precisely. The double zero tag placed strategically on the jeans so all could see. They were the jeans own defense mechanism. To me, they laid there similar to how a vicious wild animal would stand strong and big letting predators know to stay away. There the jeans were. Silent, quiet, but I remembered how just a few years back they faced me as if they were strong hungry lions laying before me. The tags that labeled them double zero were the jeans defense mechanism making women feel less than, weak, and vulnerable to these jeans because of one simple number written upon them.

So there they were a little above eye level. They were blue, or so I think (it was dark).

I stood there facing the jeans in the strongest pose/stance I know, intimidating them for sure. I stood there and looked right through their double zero eyes. I felt strong, I felt empowered, and I also felt a little scared that a store clerk would catch me in the act of Purplizing their jeans. But as I stood there, I whispered the words, "Curves Are Beautiful. I am beautiful and you have no power over me anymore. I am not just a spectator of you anymore, I am the predator. Fear me and my army."

I took my weapon and slaughtered any last power the jeans thought they had over me as I placed a purple bracelet that had the three powerful words of "Curves Are Beautiful" on them in the back pocket of the jeans.

I was strong. I was like a warrior that had survived the war, my own personal war with Anorexia Nervosa in which I recovered and conquered.

I quickly went around to several pairs of jeans and slipped these purple bracelets in the back pockets. I cleverly went to the mannequin that are in the front windows of the store and gave them some beautiful new purple accessories. Bam! Purplized!

I made my way over to Hollister as well and Purplized their mannequin out front and all over the inside as well. In jacket pockets, in jeans (Both men and women's jeans), and mannequins. The store had been Purplized.

My mission was complete...for the day. I will be back to Purplize some more. My mission is to let every woman know that their Curves Are Beautiful and that you do not need to fit into a certain size jean to be beautiful.

Don't be afraid to face those articles of clothing that seem to be roaring like lions at you and tell them that you know that you are beautiful and that Curves Are Beautiful and that they have no more power over you.

We are strong. We are brave. We are beautiful and together we make an amazing Purple bracelet fighting army!

Hugs, Beanie

Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog :)

Manikins Like to be told that Curves Are Beautiful too!

Hmm. Might have been a little sneaky and went to a few stores to place a Curves Are Beautiful bracelet on their manikins! Also shown are a pair of size 2 womans jeans compared next to a childs 3-4 years jeans. Wow, apparently stores don't think we grow much...

I love the whole look of... the purple bracelet!

                                                                

                                                     I spy... a purple bracelet!

                                                       Notice anything...Purple?

Womans size 2 jeans compared to kids 3-4 year olds jeans.

Not enough size difference! Women have hips and Curves! 

We aren't children!

A Phase of Recovery

There are many stages and phases of recovering from an eating disorder. I would like to talk about just one of them today.

This phase may be called "run while you can", "slippery slope", "the hill", "carefree yet still careful", or "climbing and falling off Mt. Everest". Now, I think it is a very important stage. One must go through it in order to receive recovery. There is no way of avoiding this stage, but it is key to spend as little time as possible in it. 

To understand this phase of recovery, it is helpful to think of an enormous hill. Its massive, snowy, and steep. At the bottom of the mountain (yes, mountain is a better description) is ed. Ed lives at the bottom of the mountain. Like a troll under a bridge, ed is at the bottom of the mountain. This is not a happy place; thus, naturally, we would not want anyone to live down there. 

However, many people do live down the mountain with ed. He loves to have guests but he is not a good host. Whatsoever! But the people that live down the mountain get confused. (Maybe it's because they are below sea level or something?) They start to think that ed is this marvelous guy. In a way you could describe him as Hugh Hefner the way he is surrounded by ladies! People down the mountain have a love hate relationship with the host (because they are confused) and think that for the most part they enjoy their time.

Now, there are also people who live up the snowy, massive, steep mountain. Most people on top of the mountain don't mind if people want to live down there with old ed. However, there are a few wonderful souls who see the call for help. So, being the heros that they are, they call and beckon the people below to come up on the mountain top.

(This is beginning to turn into a story.)

Angered and confused, the people below do not want to leave the pits of misery and woe. They explain that this is their homeland. "We are different. We like it here. We are noticed for it."

Now, the whole encouraging them to come up the mountain, to climb the mountain, lowering ropes to make it easier, and sending helicopters in to capture the prisoners down below are all stages and phases of recovery. I could drag on this horrible fairytale, but I will skip ahead a bit.

An anorexic has battled the long and exhausting battle of climbing the mountain. She now is the conqueror of the mountain. She stands bearing her wounds and scars of the war. They may be physical or mental, but they are there. She is not ashamed, for she has seen the victory and wants all to stand atop the mountain leaving ed below, behind, and alone.

This is the stage of recovery I want to talk about. You may think the battle is over because you have fought for so long, but there is one more battle ahead until you can fully taste the sweet and joyous victory of conquering ed.

Your on top of the mountain looking down. Looking at all the snow and jagged rocks that you had to climb in order to be where you stand now. Your proud and you feel that you have a real control over your life. However, there you stand still, at the edge of the mountain. You deserve a celebration, you really do. But the battle ground is still too close for comfort. 

See, an anorexic may have conquered a lot, but she (or he) is just one slip away from being at the bottom of the mountain again. I think that being at the edge of the mountain is similar to managing your eating disorder. You have skills to help you cope and the such but one skipped meal or postponed meal can lead them to spend a little more time with ed. 

Do not forget though, that I do not think that it is very possible to get to recovery without going through this stage. But, I do think that it is important to spend as little time as possible. 

I think that at this stage, you may have a firm grasp at your eating disorder but you still have habits that you haven't had enough time to break. For example, you may restrict every time you get upset. Now, that you are on top of the hill, something happens to upset you and you habitually turn to your ed for comfort. 

Also, I think that some people may get stuck in this stage. They have climbed the mountain and think they are safe, and they need not travel any farther. However, it is important to keep on working, keep on eating, and keep on being diligent to recovery once you have climbed the mountain. Because the truth is that you are still to close to the edge. You may turn your back to take a "selfie" of how far you've come, look at the picture and hear ed at the bottom of the mountain screaming that you look horrible, get startled, and then slip down the mountain. It is just too risky to stay in this stage of recovery.

What you want to do is run. Once you reach the top, the rest of the journey is easy. You've already gone through the hardest of recovery. Now, you just need to run. (Not literally.) You need to get a good 1,000 miles away from the edge. You want to get so far that you can no longer hear ed screaming from the bottom of the mountain.  

It is so much harder to slip back down the mountain when you are miles and miles away! I think we all need to go through the phase of being near the edge of the mountain, but we shouldn't stay long. The scenery is much better many miles away. 

Knowing that my Curves Are Beautiful helped me to climb my mountain. I now stand on top!

I am on top of my mountain and a few hundred miles away from the edge.

Hugs,
Beanie

'Tis the Season

Oh yes, 'tis the season! Except, what does "the season" look like through the eyes of a soul with an eating disorder? I can simply explain it through a recipe I know quite well:

"The Season" Recipe

Ingredients:
1 Part Chocolate
1 Part Cookies
5 Parts Dread
1 Freezing soul
1 Pair of reliable Sweat Pants
6 Invitations to Christmas Parties in the trash (with the attached note of: Bring a favorite dessert)
20 Parts fear of "Winter Weight"

*Secret Ingredient: additional hours in the gym

Directions:
Add all ingredients in blender. Make sure to blend until all is unrecognizable. The result should come out looking like an evil demon named ed.

The weather outside may be frightful, but inside a "cozy and warm" house is even more frightful for an anorexic during "the season". There are desserts scattered about the kitchen, and someone ringing the doorbell with another full plate of cookies or fudge or whatever it could be. It would not matter if the delivery were carrots, there would still be antlers with an innocent red M&M for a nose, and it would surely flair ed up with fury!

There may also be the traditions that are as lovely as a flower in bloom, but to an anorexic, it may be as scary as dropping your Iphone on concrete without any protection around it. See, there are so many traditions during "the season" that surround food. There is the simple and beautiful tradition of a family dinner on Christmas. But try as they may, Christmas day may be full of thoughts of how much or how little an anorexic is going to eat.

Quite simply, "the seasons" are suppose to be filled with joy, laughter, and love. But it is not that simple for an anorexic. We wish that we could be caught in the moments of happiness. However, all too often we are caught looking at the back of the food packaging. We wish that we could try one of your famous desserts, but we are trying all too hard to stay on the newest and most stupidest diets. We wish we could rid our ed's, and we are trying with every calorie that we eat and count and cringe.

Holidays are so hard to celebrate for an anorexic, especially during "the seasons" as there are two holidays so close together that involve a lot of gathering and eating.

Now, just wait a moment, I will get to the positive part soon. But, I just want people to know just how hard it is.

*Positive Moment

It may be difficult to indulge fully into the present when we have been practicing for so long to indulge into our eds, but it is critical that we do. It is critical that we enjoy our lives (especially during "the season") instead of passing them by waiting for perfection, and then, finally, maybe, we will be able to live "the perfect" life. But the facts are in front of us. We are never going to be "good enough" or "skinny enough" for our eds. Ed will always tell us just a couple more days, a few more times, and a few more pounds. If we continue waiting for the perfect day and the perfect moment, we will wake up and see just how much life we have wasted.

So please oh please! Put ed in the corner or bury him in the snow this season! There is no better time than now! There is no better time to kick him to the trash then the time we will be gathered and lifted up by family and friends. Do not be afraid, neither ashamed. Live your life and live during this season. Enjoy, embrace, and eat! Trust me, the fudge and cookies are completely worth it!

Love & Hugs,
Beanie

My Dark Shadow

Attached at heels, mocking every step precisely is a dark silhouette. Making imagination and personal thoughts known to the world. As the head goes down with disappointment and sadness, the flaws that haunt and scream in mind find the eyes and make them cringe. 

But its attached at heels and cannot be removed until the sun goes down and out comes the moon. My shadow is anxiety that resists to leave. But at night, when it should be gone, I feel it start to surround me. I cannot pull the darkness of night away from my shadow. They intermingle until it messes with my mind. 

The day is better because I am aware of where it stands. The sun shines down on my head so my shadow is not so big. But as the day grows, my shadow, it lengthens. The sun moves down and its light hits me where it hurts. I am strong in my mind, so prepared when it is hit. However, I am weak in the middle, where it is easy to bend, where it is meant to bend and roll, where I hurt when it is mentioned. My stomach, my gut, what is suppose to be my core, is where I am sore because I am weak when the light hits me there. It hits me perpendicularly and my shadow, it grows. The sun hits me in the core and anxiety is harder to manage.

Trying as hard as I can,  I run. I run after my shadow, in the hope of  stomping on it and making it vanish. I run until I cannot breathe because it seems impossible to challenge to disperse anxiety. The shadow continues to lengthen until I cannot reach it any longer. I begin to panic and breathing is difficult still.

Darkness is powerful, but light is better. So at night, it seems I shatter. My shadow is all around me now. And its painful because I do not know darkness from my shadow. So there it is, on every single wall, watching me, mocking me, my feelings are dull. They are numb, and I don't know what to do. So I sit with my tears and wait for day to come. 

My anxiety is strong and my shadow is big. It frustrates me that I cannot stomp and crush it into the ground. Because I will never outrun my shadow. Its attached at the heels. But maybe if I look toward the sun I won't see it.