Breaking the Silence

       

     My weaknesses are perfect. Yes, I have many weaknesses but they are what make me stronger. I am proud of these things. While others shun away from them like a plague, I embrace them because I know, that at the end of all of it, I will be the one that is stronger. I will face my weaknesses head on, charge forward, and conquer.       

     The weakness that I am charging right now is my anorexia. At first, I was scared to tell anyone about this disease. I thought, "They'll think less of me. They'll think I'm weird and I'll be known as the girl with anorexia. The rumors will spread like wildfire." I only told close family member after having them sign their life away and having them sworn into secrecy. Indeed, it is a very personal and private thing, and I couldn't handle the thought of anyone but my parents knowing.

     Things began to change. I started telling more people. I started thinking less about me and more about others. I realized that this disease was huge. It was everywhere, but you are not allowed to talk about it. You may know a girl that purges or doesn't eat, but it is something that you must NEVER talk of. You never talk to her about it, any friends, doctors, or parents about what this girl is going through. To me, this is the strangest thing ever. Its as if you even say the word 'anorexia', you will be cursed! 

     As I traveled on my road to recovery, I knew that this silence had to be broken. Because everyone is avoiding talking about this disease, we are letting many people live through hell (live with an ed) and continue with this deadly disease that is killing so many people. But since so many people will not talk about, I have decided to talk about this deadly disease called anorexia. The truth of the matter is, there are innocent people that are letting ed speak for them because they do not yet know how to speak for themselves, and these people need YOU to help them find their voices back so they can recover from this disease. We need more people to stand against the crowd and break the silence.

     Because anorexia is a thing that people do not talk about, I was shameful of my disease. It was something that I was embarrassed for people to know about. Indeed, it is a weakness. However, I am no longer embarrassed about this weakness. I feel stronger when I break the silence and I tell someone. I know that I am standing against the crowd when I speak of anorexia, and this strengthens me. Why? Because I hope that by speaking about it, I am informing more people and maybe loosening the power that ed has on someone. That is my hope.  

     I am no longer shameful of my disease. I know that I am charging my ed head on and I am recovering from it. There should be no shame in that! If anything, there should be pride! I am not sitting around and letting my ed control me anymore. I am taking charge and I am doing everything possible to recover. I am not embarrassed anymore. I am proud of myself. I tell people, "Yeah, I am conquering one of the hardest mental diseases ever. What'd you do today?" 

     My weaknesses are what make me stronger. My weakness, my anorexia, will be conquered, I will win, and I will be that much stronger. 

     Because my mom broke the silence and talked to a doctor, I was diagnosed with anorexia. Because the silence was broken, I was given the opportunity to get help. Because the silence was broken I am on the road to recovery. Because the silence was broken, I am gaining my life back. This is why I am determined to break the silence. I can now see the contrast from my life with an ed and my life now. I am determined because every person deserves to recover and escape ed. I was very lucky to be blessed with a mother who wasn't afraid to stand against the crowd and break the silence. Now, I am determined to do the same. 

     Anorexia is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is something that NEEDS to be talked about. 

     Our eds will be conquered and we will become stronger.

     I wish the best to you all!

Love and Hugs,

Beanie

Relationship with ed

     Ed. What exactly is ed? Who is he? Where does he come from? Well, I learned a lesson this week. I learned that he is not defined by just one thing, does not come from just one place, and is not just one person.
     I learned that ed loves to play games! What is his favorite? Ed's favorite game, of all time, (no, not hide and go seek) hide and I'll pop out of no where and scare you! Yep, that is his favorite game! I, however, am not a fan of this game!
    Eating disorders are hard to understand, and they can be triggered by anything; relationships, especially, trigger eds. This is why I get confused with where he comes from, why he came, and who, exactly, he is. This week, however, I learned that he can be anything, and he can pop up and scare me at any time! 
     These were eds words to me this week:
Can I ask you a question?
Do you think I will ever have a chance with you?
I wish I could be with you for just 20 minutes!
I want your body so bad! I like your personality too, but mostly your body!
I'm sorry, do you think our relationship will be awkward now?

     These words have run through my mind over and over and over the past few days. This has been my ed. This is he who has popped up and scared me right into his arms. 
     This has been my ed this week. This was my relationship with 'him'. However, I knew that this was not a healthy relationship. I could not live this way. So, having hope in my recovery and not wanting to relapse, I quit my ed. I told him that my relationship with him was over. I told ed that he was now single.
     Ed is always promising me happiness if I stay with him. "Trust me, Sabrina. I know what's best for you. I love you. You are gorgeous right now, so you shouldn't eat that." This week, I trusted him. This week I was slowly going back into his arms, but I caught him. I caught him with his scrawny fingers on other girls! Yes, this is correct! Although he tells me to trust him and I will be happy with him, I find he is cheating on me with other girls! 
     Seeing other girls with him made me sad! I saw just how bad of a relationship I was in with him! He promises one thing after another to me, but they are all lies! They are all promises, that if I keep, will hurt me! "If you don't eat breakfast, you will feel so much better today!" He says the same lines to every girl! He is not a healthy companion, he is not a healthy friend!
     Well, you know what I have to say to him? "Ed, you are now single! One day you will be completely single, too! Every girl with you will, one day, have enough strength to break up with you too! They will see who you truly are and will not put up with your lying promises!" Having said that, I  am single. I am no longer in a relationship with my ed. 
     Eating disorders are confusing! I, personally, never know when he might come creeping back into my life. He trys to sneak his way in through any open door or window in my life. This week was a hard week for me as he came knocking at the door. However, as soon as I saw that he was trying to put a foot into my house, my body, my life, I slammed the door in his face!
     I hope that, one day, every person with an ed will be able to change their status to "No longer in a relationship with ed". 
    Love, Hugs, and Best Wishes,
    Beanie

My Secret Battle Weapons

     Hello Friends,
     As I write this epistle, I am in hiding. My enemy is near; but so far, my camouflage is indeed working. I have been in hiding for a few weeks now. I have had a few close encounters as the enemy has gotten a bit too close for my liking, but he was quickly distracted and mislead the other way. 
     I woke up today, and I was trying to determine what food I should eat. After my meal was finished, the enemy tracked me down! He investigated the refrigerator and perceived something suspicious that caught his attention. He took this new evidence and processed it into his clever mind. He knew that I had been there, he knew I was near. But, no worries, my mind is starting to out due his! He almost had me, but at the right moment, I threw him a curve ball! He was about to take hold of me, but I spun around and ran for it! Yes, I ran like no tomorrow! Where did I run? I ran right to the freezer and grabbed some mighty fine dessert! It was a close call, indeed, but this is what my boot camp trained me for, and I was well prepared!
     Now, you might have many questions about the above text. No worries, I will try and clear some things up. Here is a little cheat sheet:
Enemy : ed
Bootcamp: therapy
     For some of you, this might not make any sense at all! However, for my friends who have ever been hunted by an enemy named 'ed', I am sure you can all relate to the above experience.
     Sadly, some days I am not so lucky with my escape from ed. Some days he tracks me down, (sometimes he tracks me with scent. it's not hard to track someone with hamburger breath!) and ties me up with one of the strongest knots in the boy scout handbook! However, I kick and punch until I escape because no one will capture me without a fight!
     Although I have some days that my camouflage is not the best, I do have some pretty good escape stories under my belt! Because I have been on ed's most wanted list for quite some time (there must be a huge reward for who ever finds me?) I have discovered some of ed's weaknesses! There are days that I even catch ed, tie him up, and then put him in the corner! Those are my favorite days!
     So, from one victim of ed to another, I will share with you, my friends, the tools that I use to mislead ed on another trail. These tools do not get rid of him forever, but it does lead him the wrong way for a few miles.
     Here are a few tools:
1. Listen to music. I really like to put ear plugs in and blast the volume. I like to listen to Taylor Swift.
2.  I love to go shopping! When I go shopping with my mom, I laugh and have a great time! I completely forget about everything.

3. I paint my finger nails. I get excited on what color I will choose.

4. I watch television. I enjoy watching the reality show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I do not know if you know who they are, but they are absolutely BEAUTIFUL! They live up to the purple bracelet too, they have curves! It helps me to see such beautiful women (who all guys think are amazingly gorgeous) and learn that beauty involves curves, not stick thin.

5. I talk to my dog. Yes, this may seem weird, but he is just so cute and loves me no matter what! Haha he likes to eat a lot, so I try to learn from him. ;)

6. Get on Facebook. haha I might be addicted to Facebook.

7. Do my makeup. This helps me be calm. After I am done, I feel pretty (even if I feel really full).

8. Participate in a conversation. With an ed, it is extremely hard to be "present". This means to get out of your head and notice the things around you, Live your life. Basically, try to ignore your ed.

9. Recognize that if you "feel fat", that this is just a thought. This is hard to understand. Just say, "Okay, I just had a thought that I am fat. Thank you for this wonderful thought, ed. However, I am not going to make this a feeling. I am going to recognize that this was just a thought and nothing else! This is not true!" 

10. Know that I am there for you and want to give you a big hug!

11. Throw playdough at the door! This is my favorite!
12. Watch The Ellen Show! She always makes me laugh, and laughter is the best medicine!

     These are just a few tools that I always keep in my tool belt. (I keep this list on my phone so that it is handy when ed is getting dangerously close!)

     I hope, my dear friends, that you find this useful. Please leave a comment and let me know what you have in your tool belt!

Love and Hugs,
Beanie

Purple Bracelet!

My Story

                                                        Curves Are Beautiful

                                My Story

    

     My name is Beanie. This blog is about my battle against my eating disorder. From here on out, I will refer to my disorder as 'ed'. 

     This February, I was diagnosed with ed, but I think I have had it my whole life. Everyday is a battle for me; nevertheless, I try to wake up with a fighting mindset and attitude to conquer him. 

     Ed can be very deceiving and clever, and some days he just might get the best of me. However, I am learning to tell him that I can, when he tells me that I can not. When he tells me that I am fat, I tell him that he is a liar and that I am beautiful! Everyday I am learning how to separate myself from ed and regain my territory. I am fighting for my life... oh, and my hair too (one of the symptoms of eating incorrectly is losing your hair. It is no fun!).

     Shortly after being diagnosed, I went shopping at the mall. I was having a sweet time until I heard him: "Do you see how great that dress looks on that mannequin? It would never look that good on you, especially since you have been gaining weight! Now, just look at you! Look at yourself in the next mirror you see! Now, why in the world did you pick that outfit? That tight shirt looks horrible! I can see all of your fat!"  Meanwhile, I saw a really cute pair of jeans. I walked up to see how much they were. Upon looking at the price tag, I saw what size they were. They were a size double zero! Ed just went crazy about this and could not stop telling me how fat I was! "You do realize that you would not be able to even stick an arm in one of those legs, right? Ha! Your butt is so big that I do not even know how you get any pair of jeans on!" It was official. I had a stalker, and I could not go anywhere without him tagging along and ruining my complete mood! This is when it happened. I stopped being sad, and I started getting pissed!

     I went home that night with complete anger! I could not understand the world! Why is there a set definition for beauty? Why do you have to be illy thin to be considered "pretty" from the worlds eye? Everyone is different, yet the world has one standard of "beauty" that they expect us all to live by. I am learning that I do not want to be another victim of the worlds blinded definition. I will not be another clone! I was born to stand out! Why am I trying to have my stomach sink in so that I can blend in? I will define what is beautiful on me! I will be my own beautiful! As I begin to find myself, I am still tempted by ed and the media. However, I am getting stronger and believing myself more and ed less. I am my own beautiful. From that night on, I knew something. I knew it for a fact! No matter how much the media trys to grab and lock their boney fingers on me, this fact comes into my mind and I resist because I know! I know that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL! 

     That night ended up being very long. I sat at the table and talked to my mom until three in the morning! I told her about what I saw at the mall and how hard my ed is. I told her that to help me get through ed's rude and nasty thoughts, I tell myself that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL. I told her that I would really like to get a bracelet that says CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL to help remind me. That night, at two in the morning, we got online and ordered 50 purple bracelets. It was an emotional night filled with tears, anger, sadness, and a glimmer of hope, and sometimes, in the middle of darkness, that is all that one person needs. I was in the deeps of my ed, and the chains of mean, degrading thoughts were weighing me down, but I had a spark of light, a glimmer of hope, and a loving mother (oh and a little bit of "pissed off attitude" helped too). That was all that I needed. I took my first step into actually wanting to get better because I knew that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL.
     A few weeks later, we received our purple bracelets! I immediately put mine on, and forever there it will stay! We have told people about the bracelets and they wanted some too! I was so excited that people wanted to wear one! To me, it meant that they, too, believe that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL! Now, about two months later, we have purple bracelets across the world! We have a purple bracelet army! 
     This is my blog about my journey, my life, my recovery, and my story. I hope that this blog will help inform people understand ed's better and more clearly. I appreciate all your love and support!

-Beanie