My Story

                                                        Curves Are Beautiful

                                My Story

    

     My name is Beanie. This blog is about my battle against my eating disorder. From here on out, I will refer to my disorder as 'ed'. 

     This February, I was diagnosed with ed, but I think I have had it my whole life. Everyday is a battle for me; nevertheless, I try to wake up with a fighting mindset and attitude to conquer him. 

     Ed can be very deceiving and clever, and some days he just might get the best of me. However, I am learning to tell him that I can, when he tells me that I can not. When he tells me that I am fat, I tell him that he is a liar and that I am beautiful! Everyday I am learning how to separate myself from ed and regain my territory. I am fighting for my life... oh, and my hair too (one of the symptoms of eating incorrectly is losing your hair. It is no fun!).

     Shortly after being diagnosed, I went shopping at the mall. I was having a sweet time until I heard him: "Do you see how great that dress looks on that mannequin? It would never look that good on you, especially since you have been gaining weight! Now, just look at you! Look at yourself in the next mirror you see! Now, why in the world did you pick that outfit? That tight shirt looks horrible! I can see all of your fat!"  Meanwhile, I saw a really cute pair of jeans. I walked up to see how much they were. Upon looking at the price tag, I saw what size they were. They were a size double zero! Ed just went crazy about this and could not stop telling me how fat I was! "You do realize that you would not be able to even stick an arm in one of those legs, right? Ha! Your butt is so big that I do not even know how you get any pair of jeans on!" It was official. I had a stalker, and I could not go anywhere without him tagging along and ruining my complete mood! This is when it happened. I stopped being sad, and I started getting pissed!

     I went home that night with complete anger! I could not understand the world! Why is there a set definition for beauty? Why do you have to be illy thin to be considered "pretty" from the worlds eye? Everyone is different, yet the world has one standard of "beauty" that they expect us all to live by. I am learning that I do not want to be another victim of the worlds blinded definition. I will not be another clone! I was born to stand out! Why am I trying to have my stomach sink in so that I can blend in? I will define what is beautiful on me! I will be my own beautiful! As I begin to find myself, I am still tempted by ed and the media. However, I am getting stronger and believing myself more and ed less. I am my own beautiful. From that night on, I knew something. I knew it for a fact! No matter how much the media trys to grab and lock their boney fingers on me, this fact comes into my mind and I resist because I know! I know that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL! 

     That night ended up being very long. I sat at the table and talked to my mom until three in the morning! I told her about what I saw at the mall and how hard my ed is. I told her that to help me get through ed's rude and nasty thoughts, I tell myself that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL. I told her that I would really like to get a bracelet that says CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL to help remind me. That night, at two in the morning, we got online and ordered 50 purple bracelets. It was an emotional night filled with tears, anger, sadness, and a glimmer of hope, and sometimes, in the middle of darkness, that is all that one person needs. I was in the deeps of my ed, and the chains of mean, degrading thoughts were weighing me down, but I had a spark of light, a glimmer of hope, and a loving mother (oh and a little bit of "pissed off attitude" helped too). That was all that I needed. I took my first step into actually wanting to get better because I knew that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL.
     A few weeks later, we received our purple bracelets! I immediately put mine on, and forever there it will stay! We have told people about the bracelets and they wanted some too! I was so excited that people wanted to wear one! To me, it meant that they, too, believe that CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL! Now, about two months later, we have purple bracelets across the world! We have a purple bracelet army! 
     This is my blog about my journey, my life, my recovery, and my story. I hope that this blog will help inform people understand ed's better and more clearly. I appreciate all your love and support!

-Beanie