Relationship with ed

     Ed. What exactly is ed? Who is he? Where does he come from? Well, I learned a lesson this week. I learned that he is not defined by just one thing, does not come from just one place, and is not just one person.
     I learned that ed loves to play games! What is his favorite? Ed's favorite game, of all time, (no, not hide and go seek) hide and I'll pop out of no where and scare you! Yep, that is his favorite game! I, however, am not a fan of this game!
    Eating disorders are hard to understand, and they can be triggered by anything; relationships, especially, trigger eds. This is why I get confused with where he comes from, why he came, and who, exactly, he is. This week, however, I learned that he can be anything, and he can pop up and scare me at any time! 
     These were eds words to me this week:
Can I ask you a question?
Do you think I will ever have a chance with you?
I wish I could be with you for just 20 minutes!
I want your body so bad! I like your personality too, but mostly your body!
I'm sorry, do you think our relationship will be awkward now?

     These words have run through my mind over and over and over the past few days. This has been my ed. This is he who has popped up and scared me right into his arms. 
     This has been my ed this week. This was my relationship with 'him'. However, I knew that this was not a healthy relationship. I could not live this way. So, having hope in my recovery and not wanting to relapse, I quit my ed. I told him that my relationship with him was over. I told ed that he was now single.
     Ed is always promising me happiness if I stay with him. "Trust me, Sabrina. I know what's best for you. I love you. You are gorgeous right now, so you shouldn't eat that." This week, I trusted him. This week I was slowly going back into his arms, but I caught him. I caught him with his scrawny fingers on other girls! Yes, this is correct! Although he tells me to trust him and I will be happy with him, I find he is cheating on me with other girls! 
     Seeing other girls with him made me sad! I saw just how bad of a relationship I was in with him! He promises one thing after another to me, but they are all lies! They are all promises, that if I keep, will hurt me! "If you don't eat breakfast, you will feel so much better today!" He says the same lines to every girl! He is not a healthy companion, he is not a healthy friend!
     Well, you know what I have to say to him? "Ed, you are now single! One day you will be completely single, too! Every girl with you will, one day, have enough strength to break up with you too! They will see who you truly are and will not put up with your lying promises!" Having said that, I  am single. I am no longer in a relationship with my ed. 
     Eating disorders are confusing! I, personally, never know when he might come creeping back into my life. He trys to sneak his way in through any open door or window in my life. This week was a hard week for me as he came knocking at the door. However, as soon as I saw that he was trying to put a foot into my house, my body, my life, I slammed the door in his face!
     I hope that, one day, every person with an ed will be able to change their status to "No longer in a relationship with ed". 
    Love, Hugs, and Best Wishes,
    Beanie

My Secret Battle Weapons

     Hello Friends,
     As I write this epistle, I am in hiding. My enemy is near; but so far, my camouflage is indeed working. I have been in hiding for a few weeks now. I have had a few close encounters as the enemy has gotten a bit too close for my liking, but he was quickly distracted and mislead the other way. 
     I woke up today, and I was trying to determine what food I should eat. After my meal was finished, the enemy tracked me down! He investigated the refrigerator and perceived something suspicious that caught his attention. He took this new evidence and processed it into his clever mind. He knew that I had been there, he knew I was near. But, no worries, my mind is starting to out due his! He almost had me, but at the right moment, I threw him a curve ball! He was about to take hold of me, but I spun around and ran for it! Yes, I ran like no tomorrow! Where did I run? I ran right to the freezer and grabbed some mighty fine dessert! It was a close call, indeed, but this is what my boot camp trained me for, and I was well prepared!
     Now, you might have many questions about the above text. No worries, I will try and clear some things up. Here is a little cheat sheet:
Enemy : ed
Bootcamp: therapy
     For some of you, this might not make any sense at all! However, for my friends who have ever been hunted by an enemy named 'ed', I am sure you can all relate to the above experience.
     Sadly, some days I am not so lucky with my escape from ed. Some days he tracks me down, (sometimes he tracks me with scent. it's not hard to track someone with hamburger breath!) and ties me up with one of the strongest knots in the boy scout handbook! However, I kick and punch until I escape because no one will capture me without a fight!
     Although I have some days that my camouflage is not the best, I do have some pretty good escape stories under my belt! Because I have been on ed's most wanted list for quite some time (there must be a huge reward for who ever finds me?) I have discovered some of ed's weaknesses! There are days that I even catch ed, tie him up, and then put him in the corner! Those are my favorite days!
     So, from one victim of ed to another, I will share with you, my friends, the tools that I use to mislead ed on another trail. These tools do not get rid of him forever, but it does lead him the wrong way for a few miles.
     Here are a few tools:
1. Listen to music. I really like to put ear plugs in and blast the volume. I like to listen to Taylor Swift.
2.  I love to go shopping! When I go shopping with my mom, I laugh and have a great time! I completely forget about everything.

3. I paint my finger nails. I get excited on what color I will choose.

4. I watch television. I enjoy watching the reality show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I do not know if you know who they are, but they are absolutely BEAUTIFUL! They live up to the purple bracelet too, they have curves! It helps me to see such beautiful women (who all guys think are amazingly gorgeous) and learn that beauty involves curves, not stick thin.

5. I talk to my dog. Yes, this may seem weird, but he is just so cute and loves me no matter what! Haha he likes to eat a lot, so I try to learn from him. ;)

6. Get on Facebook. haha I might be addicted to Facebook.

7. Do my makeup. This helps me be calm. After I am done, I feel pretty (even if I feel really full).

8. Participate in a conversation. With an ed, it is extremely hard to be "present". This means to get out of your head and notice the things around you, Live your life. Basically, try to ignore your ed.

9. Recognize that if you "feel fat", that this is just a thought. This is hard to understand. Just say, "Okay, I just had a thought that I am fat. Thank you for this wonderful thought, ed. However, I am not going to make this a feeling. I am going to recognize that this was just a thought and nothing else! This is not true!" 

10. Know that I am there for you and want to give you a big hug!

11. Throw playdough at the door! This is my favorite!
12. Watch The Ellen Show! She always makes me laugh, and laughter is the best medicine!

     These are just a few tools that I always keep in my tool belt. (I keep this list on my phone so that it is handy when ed is getting dangerously close!)

     I hope, my dear friends, that you find this useful. Please leave a comment and let me know what you have in your tool belt!

Love and Hugs,
Beanie