A Phase of Recovery

There are many stages and phases of recovering from an eating disorder. I would like to talk about just one of them today.

This phase may be called "run while you can", "slippery slope", "the hill", "carefree yet still careful", or "climbing and falling off Mt. Everest". Now, I think it is a very important stage. One must go through it in order to receive recovery. There is no way of avoiding this stage, but it is key to spend as little time as possible in it. 

To understand this phase of recovery, it is helpful to think of an enormous hill. Its massive, snowy, and steep. At the bottom of the mountain (yes, mountain is a better description) is ed. Ed lives at the bottom of the mountain. Like a troll under a bridge, ed is at the bottom of the mountain. This is not a happy place; thus, naturally, we would not want anyone to live down there. 

However, many people do live down the mountain with ed. He loves to have guests but he is not a good host. Whatsoever! But the people that live down the mountain get confused. (Maybe it's because they are below sea level or something?) They start to think that ed is this marvelous guy. In a way you could describe him as Hugh Hefner the way he is surrounded by ladies! People down the mountain have a love hate relationship with the host (because they are confused) and think that for the most part they enjoy their time.

Now, there are also people who live up the snowy, massive, steep mountain. Most people on top of the mountain don't mind if people want to live down there with old ed. However, there are a few wonderful souls who see the call for help. So, being the heros that they are, they call and beckon the people below to come up on the mountain top.

(This is beginning to turn into a story.)

Angered and confused, the people below do not want to leave the pits of misery and woe. They explain that this is their homeland. "We are different. We like it here. We are noticed for it."

Now, the whole encouraging them to come up the mountain, to climb the mountain, lowering ropes to make it easier, and sending helicopters in to capture the prisoners down below are all stages and phases of recovery. I could drag on this horrible fairytale, but I will skip ahead a bit.

An anorexic has battled the long and exhausting battle of climbing the mountain. She now is the conqueror of the mountain. She stands bearing her wounds and scars of the war. They may be physical or mental, but they are there. She is not ashamed, for she has seen the victory and wants all to stand atop the mountain leaving ed below, behind, and alone.

This is the stage of recovery I want to talk about. You may think the battle is over because you have fought for so long, but there is one more battle ahead until you can fully taste the sweet and joyous victory of conquering ed.

Your on top of the mountain looking down. Looking at all the snow and jagged rocks that you had to climb in order to be where you stand now. Your proud and you feel that you have a real control over your life. However, there you stand still, at the edge of the mountain. You deserve a celebration, you really do. But the battle ground is still too close for comfort. 

See, an anorexic may have conquered a lot, but she (or he) is just one slip away from being at the bottom of the mountain again. I think that being at the edge of the mountain is similar to managing your eating disorder. You have skills to help you cope and the such but one skipped meal or postponed meal can lead them to spend a little more time with ed. 

Do not forget though, that I do not think that it is very possible to get to recovery without going through this stage. But, I do think that it is important to spend as little time as possible. 

I think that at this stage, you may have a firm grasp at your eating disorder but you still have habits that you haven't had enough time to break. For example, you may restrict every time you get upset. Now, that you are on top of the hill, something happens to upset you and you habitually turn to your ed for comfort. 

Also, I think that some people may get stuck in this stage. They have climbed the mountain and think they are safe, and they need not travel any farther. However, it is important to keep on working, keep on eating, and keep on being diligent to recovery once you have climbed the mountain. Because the truth is that you are still to close to the edge. You may turn your back to take a "selfie" of how far you've come, look at the picture and hear ed at the bottom of the mountain screaming that you look horrible, get startled, and then slip down the mountain. It is just too risky to stay in this stage of recovery.

What you want to do is run. Once you reach the top, the rest of the journey is easy. You've already gone through the hardest of recovery. Now, you just need to run. (Not literally.) You need to get a good 1,000 miles away from the edge. You want to get so far that you can no longer hear ed screaming from the bottom of the mountain.  

It is so much harder to slip back down the mountain when you are miles and miles away! I think we all need to go through the phase of being near the edge of the mountain, but we shouldn't stay long. The scenery is much better many miles away. 

Knowing that my Curves Are Beautiful helped me to climb my mountain. I now stand on top!

I am on top of my mountain and a few hundred miles away from the edge.

Hugs,
Beanie

'Tis the Season

Oh yes, 'tis the season! Except, what does "the season" look like through the eyes of a soul with an eating disorder? I can simply explain it through a recipe I know quite well:

"The Season" Recipe

Ingredients:
1 Part Chocolate
1 Part Cookies
5 Parts Dread
1 Freezing soul
1 Pair of reliable Sweat Pants
6 Invitations to Christmas Parties in the trash (with the attached note of: Bring a favorite dessert)
20 Parts fear of "Winter Weight"

*Secret Ingredient: additional hours in the gym

Directions:
Add all ingredients in blender. Make sure to blend until all is unrecognizable. The result should come out looking like an evil demon named ed.

The weather outside may be frightful, but inside a "cozy and warm" house is even more frightful for an anorexic during "the season". There are desserts scattered about the kitchen, and someone ringing the doorbell with another full plate of cookies or fudge or whatever it could be. It would not matter if the delivery were carrots, there would still be antlers with an innocent red M&M for a nose, and it would surely flair ed up with fury!

There may also be the traditions that are as lovely as a flower in bloom, but to an anorexic, it may be as scary as dropping your Iphone on concrete without any protection around it. See, there are so many traditions during "the season" that surround food. There is the simple and beautiful tradition of a family dinner on Christmas. But try as they may, Christmas day may be full of thoughts of how much or how little an anorexic is going to eat.

Quite simply, "the seasons" are suppose to be filled with joy, laughter, and love. But it is not that simple for an anorexic. We wish that we could be caught in the moments of happiness. However, all too often we are caught looking at the back of the food packaging. We wish that we could try one of your famous desserts, but we are trying all too hard to stay on the newest and most stupidest diets. We wish we could rid our ed's, and we are trying with every calorie that we eat and count and cringe.

Holidays are so hard to celebrate for an anorexic, especially during "the seasons" as there are two holidays so close together that involve a lot of gathering and eating.

Now, just wait a moment, I will get to the positive part soon. But, I just want people to know just how hard it is.

*Positive Moment

It may be difficult to indulge fully into the present when we have been practicing for so long to indulge into our eds, but it is critical that we do. It is critical that we enjoy our lives (especially during "the season") instead of passing them by waiting for perfection, and then, finally, maybe, we will be able to live "the perfect" life. But the facts are in front of us. We are never going to be "good enough" or "skinny enough" for our eds. Ed will always tell us just a couple more days, a few more times, and a few more pounds. If we continue waiting for the perfect day and the perfect moment, we will wake up and see just how much life we have wasted.

So please oh please! Put ed in the corner or bury him in the snow this season! There is no better time than now! There is no better time to kick him to the trash then the time we will be gathered and lifted up by family and friends. Do not be afraid, neither ashamed. Live your life and live during this season. Enjoy, embrace, and eat! Trust me, the fudge and cookies are completely worth it!

Love & Hugs,
Beanie

My Dark Shadow

Attached at heels, mocking every step precisely is a dark silhouette. Making imagination and personal thoughts known to the world. As the head goes down with disappointment and sadness, the flaws that haunt and scream in mind find the eyes and make them cringe. 

But its attached at heels and cannot be removed until the sun goes down and out comes the moon. My shadow is anxiety that resists to leave. But at night, when it should be gone, I feel it start to surround me. I cannot pull the darkness of night away from my shadow. They intermingle until it messes with my mind. 

The day is better because I am aware of where it stands. The sun shines down on my head so my shadow is not so big. But as the day grows, my shadow, it lengthens. The sun moves down and its light hits me where it hurts. I am strong in my mind, so prepared when it is hit. However, I am weak in the middle, where it is easy to bend, where it is meant to bend and roll, where I hurt when it is mentioned. My stomach, my gut, what is suppose to be my core, is where I am sore because I am weak when the light hits me there. It hits me perpendicularly and my shadow, it grows. The sun hits me in the core and anxiety is harder to manage.

Trying as hard as I can,  I run. I run after my shadow, in the hope of  stomping on it and making it vanish. I run until I cannot breathe because it seems impossible to challenge to disperse anxiety. The shadow continues to lengthen until I cannot reach it any longer. I begin to panic and breathing is difficult still.

Darkness is powerful, but light is better. So at night, it seems I shatter. My shadow is all around me now. And its painful because I do not know darkness from my shadow. So there it is, on every single wall, watching me, mocking me, my feelings are dull. They are numb, and I don't know what to do. So I sit with my tears and wait for day to come. 

My anxiety is strong and my shadow is big. It frustrates me that I cannot stomp and crush it into the ground. Because I will never outrun my shadow. Its attached at the heels. But maybe if I look toward the sun I won't see it.

To Mom

I will never quite know how she did it. It baffles me how she was able to handle it all. How did she look me in the eyes to my deteriorating mind, down to the depths of my withering stomach, to my heart that had no will, and find my soul that was crying and searching for help? My questions are ceased and pondered no more when the words tremble off my lips with gratitude and love, "Because she is my Mom."

The instinct was there, but confusion was too. Because people tend to treat ANOREXIA as "evil" they must "see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil."  But she did not care about what others told her she should not do, she diligently and patiently searched for the people who would tell her what to do.

Finding the way through the midst of a thick forest on a black night. Grasping for the only flashlight that has a dim yellow glow. Hearing only the wind brush by and toss the leaves. Feeling the trees arch over her from high above leaving her to feel lost in the unknown. Not knowing how far to enter, when she can barely see what's in her face. The darkness is blinding. She must search farther and let the forest engulf her. Her fears are as tall as the trees. The forest has encircled her. The trees are even more compact. It's getting hard to breath. Shes scared, she starts running. Running aimlessly, blindly. Where is the light?

The sun climbed over the trees placing the shadows of leaves on the ground. She saw me. She found me. The sun warmed my body. The light showed my details. It wrapped around me like a blanket revealing the paleness of my fragile body, the muscles that were no longer there, the tired and painful hurt in my eyes.

She was no longer scared of the black night. It became familiar to her. She learned of it instead of avoiding it. She helped me get better.

I do not know how she handled the stress, anxiety, and fear. But she did. Thank you, Mom. Thank you for running through the darkness until you found light to help me. I know it seemed like the end of the black forest would never stop, but I think we are nearing the edge.

Nail Polish Paint Perfectionism Syndrome

Perfectionism is one of my greatest assets. However, it is one of my greatest weaknesses. In other cleverly chosen words, this asset is also a pain in the a**! Whoops! Sorry, I must be real on this page. I refuse to paint beautiful portraits of anorexia and the such. I have to be honest.

*The Following is for non perfectionism eyes only!
*Please do not read if you are a perfectionist
*I do not want to be responsible for adding another element to your perfectionism!
Onward we go. Thus I am a bit of a perfectionist! Just a bit of one. You know, taking hours to do a simple homework assignment because I don't want to turn it in until I know it will be grade 'A' material, color-coding my clothes, vacuuming my house daily because I do not want to see my footprints in the carpet, going around with a wash rag to take off any marks on my white walls, and redoing my nails until the paint is perfectly even upon my fingers. This is a bit perfectionism with a dash of neat freak.

As I mentioned above, I will take all of the nail polish off my nails and start again if needs be. I can spend a considerate amount of time doing my nails. This event used to be soothing for me, but then my perfectionism kicked in and has taken some of the relaxation out of it. I will try to get all of my nails perfect. I try to keep a steady hand as I gently and slowly brush the sides of my nail and try not to paint my skin. This is a tedious task but it is not over until they are dry! Off I go walking about the house! My hands stay in high five position for hours after I paint them as to not touch anything and chip a nail. (Well that just sounded extra girly girl!) Eventually, they are almost dry and I decide that it might still be risky but I am going to reach for a certain object. I tell myself that I am going to go in slowly and carefully. Never has this worked! It seems that each time I come out of the situation with a ruined nail and I have to start again.

So, my dear friends, I come to you tonight with purple nails. I thought purple would be cute. After the agonizing task of carefully painting each nail, I decided that I did not like the way they looked. Also, (hello perfectionism) I did a bad paint job. Tired and not wanting to start all over, I decided that I would leave the paint on and maybe I'll like it better in a moment. Well, few hours later and I am still not a fan. Mostly because I don't think that I did them perfectly.

*Breathe
To those who know nail polish paint perfectionism syndrome, you know my pain. It gets worse. I have decided to leave this bad paint job on for two days. No, not to torture myself, but to let myself know that it is okay to not have perfect nails! *Breathe* Currently, I am having to take a deep breath every time I look down at my hands. The goal of this challenge is to get to the point of looking at my nails and smiling and loving them! Loving the color, the paint job, etc.

Whoo! Am I asking too much of myself? I don't know if I can handle two days? False! I can, and I must! Nail polish paint perfectionism syndrome will not own me any more! I want it to be soothing to paint my nails again. Okay, I can do this. Also, I challenge you to do a crappy paint job and leave it for two days!

I wish the best of luck to you! So go chip a nail!

Hugs,
Beanie

Crying

          This day has been filled with many tears. (However, no, I am not currently crying as I write this.)
          I hate to cry. But now that my eyes are as dry as cotton, I think it will be physically impossible for me to cry within the next few days.
          I think that recovery from an ed almost "requires" several buckets of tears. I always think, "Surely now I have reached the requirement of tears needed to fully recover!" Then my anxiety kicks in full gear and proves me wrong. Ed then proceeds to say, "Well folks, get out the buckets cause its going to be a sob fest tonight! Step right up to see the crying Bean preform the task of filling up this bucket with tears! Throughout the show you will also see the 'over used tissue', 'the disappearance of makeup', and 'glowing red eyes'! But that's not all folks! For an additional $19.95 you receive the audio addition that includes the miraculous 'snot nose horn', 'the loud gasp for air after one has cried for to long and has forgotten to breathe', and, my favorite, 'the sobs of Bean' from Bean herself!" Should I even be surprised that ed enjoys my pain? I'll do you one better and even explain why he does!
          I have had anxiety lately, and it leads to tears which leads me searching for comfort. Ed proudly steps into the picture (which is not a very pretty one) and proceeds to tell me that he can provide comfort for me. He tells me that I just need to skip one meal and I'll feel better! I then get the baseball bat and beat him to the ground. Thus, when he regains his consciousness, he sees me crying and enjoys the scene of it because I would not give heed to him.
          Ed does not realize that real people and objects trump him, so I always find myself in my husbands arms when anxiety hits. So, grab your favorite bear, person, blanket, or pillow when your next rain storm occurs!
          Best of luck avoiding the rain in your life!
Beanie

The Yellow Beast. Also Known As Pac Man

Pac Man

Freaking amazing! I now have a yellow circle with a chomping mouth stuck in my head. Apparently, he goes by the name of Pac Man. However, I know it is ed with a different appearance. I guess ed got a makeover while I was not paying attention and focusing on recovery. He made a clever and strategic move in his game, but I quickly noticed what he was up to! I made it clear, as I threw his game pieces aside and said "Checkmate," that I am the winner of any game he plays with me.

          Ed seems to be making less appearances in my life. This is great! However, Pacman likes to chomp at every bit of my life. One day, I noticed that he started taking control of my cleaning. Confused? I will explain. You see, I keep a very neat house, but something started to tell me that it was not clean enough. 

           Thinking that I must change this horrible incident, I started vacuuming. This is fine and all, but this was my second time vacuuming in one day! I started to hear this strange sound as I was cleaning. I turned the vacuum off and listened. This noise I was hearing started to get very annoying! I was absolutely appalled when I discovered the source! This yellow circle with a mouth was chomping in my head! Because it was in my head, it was quite difficult to even find him in there! Nevertheless, I found this, now called, Pac Man chomping away at the section of my mind that controls my cleaning! Are you kidding me? Without skipping a chomp, this hideous circle said to me "No, now keep cleaning!" 

          Who does this Pac Man think he is you may ask? Well my friends, you are asking the wrong question! It is not who he thinks he is, but who he actually is! 

           *Spoiler Alert*

Again I tell you, Pac Man is ed! 

           Knowing of eds new attire, I quickly took my cleaning skills to good use and swept Pac Man out of my mind and out an ear! 

          A few days later I was sitting at my desk and doing some homework. Innocent enough? No. I was doing homework and I started hearing a very familiar sound. The noise sounded like someone who was eating chips with their mouth open! "Ah ha! Pac Man! So we meet again! Seriously though dude, you need to work on your sneak attack and chew with your mouth closed! Geez, you just go chomping away with your mouth wide open!"

          Because I caught him before he could fulfill his plan of complete and utter destruction of my peaceful life, the blow was not as hard. I was able to pick up my pieces and continue. When I refer to 'picking up my pieces', yes, I was not able to leave the battle of Pac Man & Bean without a few battle wounds. That particular night of doing homework consisted of guilt followed by tears and tissues, followed by hugs that calmed me down and stopped my crying, followed by feeling like a failure, followed by more tears, followed by comfort from my husband, followed by exhaustion from all the crying, followed by a trashcan full of tissues, followed by feeling better. All though it was a long series of events, I feel like I won this battle. I know that it could have been a lot worse a year ago! The end of the battle concluded by blowing Pac Man out of my mind and throwing that tissue away!

          I continued my week fully aware of signs of Pac Man. I was very cautious to not let him back in my mind! I realized that he has a desire to chomp (or control) that never gets fulfilled. He tried to chomp and control my eating but I finally denied him of that. Next, he decided to control and chomp away at my cleaning. As I discovered his sneaky attack, I was able to sweep him right on out of my mind! Because he has this strong desire to control something in my life, he tried to start chomping away at my school. Catching him red handed, I was able to blow him out of my nose and into a tissue that is now somewhere rotting away in a land field. 

          Even though I kick him and deny him access to my mind, he still finds another way back and cleverly comes through a different direction. Knowing my opponents game plan has been very helpful. Pac Man just wants to control something in my life. He continues to enter my mind through different things. Cleaning, homework, the way I dress, how I put my makeup on, how I spend my time, and so forth! He keeps sneaking in and telling me that I am not good enough, I am not working hard enough, I am a failure at everything I do! But, knowing Pac Man's strategy has been so helpful.

           I just have to keep fighting and turn that stupid Pac Man game off whenever I start to hear that annoying chomping sound! He just wants to control something, but I am not going to let him! When I hear him, I turn that game off to put that stupid yellow circle out of his misery because I know that he will never fulfill his desire in my head! I will never let him chomp away at my brain again! I am too smart for that Pac Man! So think again before you bring your chomping mouth around me, cause I will never give you what you want! 

          And with that, I say, "Game Over!"

           

A Long Night

My husband and I were watching one of my favorite shows last night before we went to bed. Here is the long and never ending conversation that I had with ed during this:

Me: I'm kind of hungry. A snack would be nice!

ed: You have gained weight. I don't think so.

Me: I am hungry and I am trying to eat intuitively. I am craving a snack.

ed: You shouldn't eat. What if you start eating and because you are hungry and craving a snack you start to get out of control and you eat until you are uncomfortable?

Reality: Oh my goodness, what if you start eating and you eat until your hunger is satisfied? (sarcasm) That could definitely never be healthy to actually give your body the nutrients it needs and craves! (more sarcasm) Hmm, that is such a weird theory; to give your body the food it craves when it is hungry. Maybe that's how our bodies work? They let us know when they need more fuel? (sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm)

ed: I'm helping you avoid a different eating disorder, Beanie. You see, you are fat and do not need to go eat a snack. If you do, you will gain more weight and maybe even become a binge eater!

Reality: ed is telling me that he is helping me. He told me that I am not actually hungry (which I was). Since I was supposedly not hungry, it would be ridiculous to go and eat something because that would make me gain weight! He told me that I was really getting out of control by eating so much lately and might be developing a different eating disorder. (Heaven forbid that I actually eat the amount of food that I am suppose to in order for me to stay healthy!) Thus, in reality, I was avoiding this non existent disorder by giving in to my current eating disorder by not eating. 

Wow! ed has really stepped up his game of trickiness! 

Me: Maybe you are right, and I am not actually hungry. That would be bad if I went and ate a snack when I am not hungry!

Reality: I paused for a minute and realized that I was actually hungry.

Me: Wait a minute you filthy jerk ed! I am hungry! Why did you lie to me?

ed: Because you need me and you want to believe me! So, you are hungry. How wonderful would it be to go to bed hungry? You will feel so good about yourself in the morning!

Me: Okay, fine. I am just exhausted and want to go to bed. You absolutely exhaust me ed! I hate you! Now, I am mad and confused! I hate going to bed this way!

Reality: I sat in bed trying to fall asleep. However, I was so frustrated and confused about what just happened and how he is so cunning! I could not fall asleep because I knew that I was hungry.

Me: Alright! This is ridiculous! I am going to go get a snack! I know that if I go to bed hungry, I will not sleep good and I will have a bad day tomorrow! I am going to go get a snack!

ed: But what if you eat everything in your house?

Me: Now you have gotten desperate ed! We both know that I do not do that! However, I will listen to my hungry body and eat. This might leave me feeling satisfied and this makes me feel uncomfortable. But that is okay, I am just not use to eating intuitively. So, what should I eat? Hmm, chips and salsa sound good!

Ed: Really? You're going to eat that? That makes you thirsty and then you will have to drink water and that will make you feel soooo full!

Me: Okay, seriously?! I'm getting pissed off now! Leave me alone. I want to eat my chips and salsa, and I am going to! 

Reality: I ate my chips and salsa and felt a lot better! I was able to then go back to bed and fall asleep easily. It was an exhausting night! ed and I went back and forth for about two hours before I finally went and ate my snack. However, it was worth it, and I felt really good about disagreeing with him!

Love, Hugs, and Chips and Salsa,
Beanie

Dancing in the Rain

I think we have all heard the expression:
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. . . It's about learning to dance in the rain.

          Honestly, when I was first diagnosed with my ed, I had a few hard days where I did not exactly 'respect' that quote. I wanted to throw blocks of ice and say, "Really? Try dancing in a hail storm! That's my life! I don't have pleasant rain drops. I have hail as big as boulders, along with blizzards and tornado's! You try dancing in my storm!" Okay, so maybe that was a bit over dramatic, but it wasn't me! It was ed. 
          I continued to recover and on my hardest days I was a little more 'open minded' to this whole concept of 'dancing in the rain'. On those days, I decided that I would, you know, open the door and stick my toe out in the storm. My toe reflexed right back inside! Apparently the cold ice, rain, and blizzards were too much to handle for one big toe. However, I was pleased with the progress and proud of my toe for being so brave! 
          Therapy continued, along with group therapy, and I started to understand some things. The first thing to get through my head was that I am not me when I have an ed. Beanie disappears when ed is present. The second thing I started to understand was that it is a lot more fun to be fun than to be sad! This is called 'A life worth living.'  
          I started to get brave! I wasn't quite ready to go dance in the rain, but I started practicing my dance moves! Ed wasn't around as much so the real Beanie got to do her thing! I would practice my dance moves in the kitchen, in front of my mom, in my room, in front of mirrors, and even my husband (he was my fiance at the time). I knew one thing. If I was going to do this whole 'dancing in the rain' thing, I wanted to have the most epic dance ever! 
          I began understanding the 'life worth living' skill and started having a lot of fun again! 
          The storm started brewing as my surroundings got difficult. I knew this was my time! My performance was next on stage. I opened the door. The rain was crashing down on the sidewalk. I put one foot out in the rain. I took a step and my whole body was in the storm. I felt every drop. The water stung my eyes, but I knew this was the only way to get through my storm. I started my awesome dance moves. I only got to dance for a few seconds before I slipped and fell. I lay on the ground and let the storm take me. Ed came over with his umbrella and laughed at me. He laughed at me for ever thinking I could dance in the rain.
         I got off my butt and went inside. I was a little disappointed that I was not able to finish my dance routine. My moves are so epic and no one got to see them. I dried myself off and called it a day.
         I waited for the next storm. My next test to apply my skills to. I practiced my routine every day! Until, finally, I saw the dark clouds coming! I got ready to go outside and preform the best dance ever known to man! Except, this time I put my rubber boots on so that I wouldn't slip!
          The rain started pouring! I ran outside and embraced it! "I'll show you what I got ed!" I danced and danced! I did the Hokey Pokey, Ring around the Rosey's, Gang Man Style, and everything in between! It truly was the most epic dance ever!. . . Until I, yet again, slipped and fell on my booty. 
          However, this is okay my friends because now I know how wonderful it is to dance in the rain! So I am preparing myself to dance in the next rain storm that comes by! I am doing everything possible to be able to dance and not slip! I have been eating my three meals and snacks. It is so hard but there is nothing better than dancing in the rain! So, as I continue to recover, I continue to dance! I dance to the beat of my own drum, I dance like no one is watching, and I have learned to dance in the rain!

          Love and hugs,
          Beanie

Wedding Pictures!

 Yes! I ate cake! Go Me!

Take that Ed!

He's Back...

     Everything has been going really good for me. I got married to my best friend on March 9th. I love being married!

     However, as all this was happening, something was able to sneak back into my life. In fact, it is sitting with me right now telling me how gross I am. Ed, is back. My eating disorder thought it a good idea to join in on all of the latest celebrations! (I am happy to say that he was not present at my wedding though!)

     My honeymoon was wonderful and my Husband planned everything so perfectly! He knows me so well and we did all of my favorite things! Ed seemed to be present at every meal, every glance at my reflection, and the majority of my thoughts though. I hate it! I hate my disorder so much! This should be a very happy time for me, yet my disorder is not letting it be as great as it could be. 

      A lot of change has happened over the past few weeks but one thing is still there for me, waiting. My eating disorder called, beckoned, left messages, stalked, texted, Facebooked, and wrote letters for me to return to him. With my life rapidly changing, I slipped into an old comforting habit. Except, it lied! It is no longer comforting to me but rather torturing! I am disappointed and sad that he is back and with full force. 

     I was well on the road to full recovery when I fell, bumped my head, got amnesia, drew a "GO BACK TO JAIL" card, and decided to not bail myself out. I was just about to make my way around the whole board but decided to take a little detour (its the type of boring, no scenery, car sick, detour).

     I just do not understand my brain! Why do I still believe all of the lies?! Why do I give into the thoughts that constantly put me down? Why do I allow myself to be tortured for so long?!

     Well here is what I think. I have two options. I can either continue to sit here and morn in my misery, or I can start collecting my money (my skills that I have learned), bail myself out of jail, and continue my way around the board to recovery. 

     I know that it always helps me to get really mad at ed, fad diets, stupid weight loss magazines, and the freaking media. When I get mad and say why they are all so stupid, I start to feel better. So, nevertheless, here I go.

     I think that scales are the stupidest things ever invented! Why the heck do we need a number to determine our size? Why do morning news shows and every other show on television have to advertise the latest diets that help you just 'shed' the pounds? Magazines are the worst and they haunt me everywhere I go! Why do we have to know which celebrity isn't losing the 'baby weight', which celebrity keeps getting caught eating a freaking donut, and what dress made someone look so fat on the red carpet? I seriously think that these news anchors and everyone else should start focusing there precious air time and magazine covers on issues that matter more. I hope they know that they are a huge factor and influence on so many girls, young and old, and make them feel so insecure about their beautiful bodies. 

     Well, there you go. There is my beautifully written rant for the night. I've decided that I am now going to go eat a snack, just like I should. My therapist will be so proud of me!

     Love and Hugs,

Beanie