However, as all this was happening, something was able to sneak back into my life. In fact, it is sitting with me right now telling me how gross I am. Ed, is back. My eating disorder thought it a good idea to join in on all of the latest celebrations! (I am happy to say that he was not present at my wedding though!)
My honeymoon was wonderful and my Husband planned everything so perfectly! He knows me so well and we did all of my favorite things! Ed seemed to be present at every meal, every glance at my reflection, and the majority of my thoughts though. I hate it! I hate my disorder so much! This should be a very happy time for me, yet my disorder is not letting it be as great as it could be.
A lot of change has happened over the past few weeks but one thing is still there for me, waiting. My eating disorder called, beckoned, left messages, stalked, texted, Facebooked, and wrote letters for me to return to him. With my life rapidly changing, I slipped into an old comforting habit. Except, it lied! It is no longer comforting to me but rather torturing! I am disappointed and sad that he is back and with full force.
I was well on the road to full recovery when I fell, bumped my head, got amnesia, drew a "GO BACK TO JAIL" card, and decided to not bail myself out. I was just about to make my way around the whole board but decided to take a little detour (its the type of boring, no scenery, car sick, detour).
I just do not understand my brain! Why do I still believe all of the lies?! Why do I give into the thoughts that constantly put me down? Why do I allow myself to be tortured for so long?!
Well here is what I think. I have two options. I can either continue to sit here and morn in my misery, or I can start collecting my money (my skills that I have learned), bail myself out of jail, and continue my way around the board to recovery.
I know that it always helps me to get really mad at ed, fad diets, stupid weight loss magazines, and the freaking media. When I get mad and say why they are all so stupid, I start to feel better. So, nevertheless, here I go.
I think that scales are the stupidest things ever invented! Why the heck do we need a number to determine our size? Why do morning news shows and every other show on television have to advertise the latest diets that help you just 'shed' the pounds? Magazines are the worst and they haunt me everywhere I go! Why do we have to know which celebrity isn't losing the 'baby weight', which celebrity keeps getting caught eating a freaking donut, and what dress made someone look so fat on the red carpet? I seriously think that these news anchors and everyone else should start focusing there precious air time and magazine covers on issues that matter more. I hope they know that they are a huge factor and influence on so many girls, young and old, and make them feel so insecure about their beautiful bodies.
Well, there you go. There is my beautifully written rant for the night. I've decided that I am now going to go eat a snack, just like I should. My therapist will be so proud of me!
Love and Hugs,
Beanie
You are amazing Beanie! Keep fighting and moving forward! When I read this post, this song was playing:
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0O771vmpYQ
beautiful flower india arie
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Beanie. This is a tough thing to have to deal with. As you said it even happens as we get older. The image we are all trying to live up to but can't because it is not realistic. Thanks for your insights and good luck!
ReplyDelete